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on February 13, 2017 · 8 Comments

What Your Friend Struggling with Anxiety Really Wants You to Know

Here is what your friend struggling with anxiety really wants you to understand.

We’ve been friends for a while, and I am so incredibly thankful for your friendship in my life. But I know I changed this year. My life was rocked by anxiety and the person I once was isn’t really there anymore. She’s changing. She’s growing. She’s discovering herself. It hasn’t been easy. Anxiety isn’t something that one would wish on anyone. Anxiety is hard, crippling, exhausting, discouraging, and life changing.

Anxiety is life changing.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and find myself realizing the person I am seems so different than the person I once was. There are times I’ve cried and mourned the person I was once because in the middle of anxiety I felt so crippled. There are times I’ve yelled and cried asking for this to go away, asking for God to heal me, believing for better days that I couldn’t see and couldn’t even taste.

In the middle of it, it’s exhausting and lonely.

And friend, that is why I need you.

I need you to believe for me when I can’t believe for myself.

I need you to mourn for me when I forget that mourning is okay.

I need you to pray for me and believe that God will use this in my life.

I need you to know that when I turn down a play date, it’s not because of you. It’s because right then, I feel crippled and I don’t think I can handle it. It’s not that I am running away, it’s that I am learning to listen to myself and know when my body can’t take anymore. I am learning that saying no is okay, and who I am matters too.

I need you to know I’ve prayed. I’ve prayed a hundred prayers, I’ve asked for this to be taken for me, but it hasn’t. It doesn’t mean my faith is weak, it doesn’t mean I don’t pray hard enough, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe. Sometimes it just means God has a different plan. I need you to remember that a different answer to prayer than you or I expect does not mean that God isn’t answering.

I need you to know sometimes I can’t control the attacks. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and no matter what I do, they linger. Not because I’m not trying. Not because I want your attention. Not because I am allowing it to take over me. But because that is anxiety, sometimes it doesn’t have to have a reason to attack. And me learning to be okay with that, and rest in that moment is important.

I need you to know that when you answer the phone to listen to me cry when I am in the middle of a crippling anxiety attack, it means the world to me. When you’re there despite what you don’t understand, it reminds me that the lie anxiety tells me of being alone is just that, a lie.

I need you to know that as I walk through this journey, I’m going to change. It won’t always be as bad as it is when it first starts, but it may never fully go away. That’s okay. I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m learning to manage it. I am learning that it doesn’t have to control me. Maybe one day it will completely disappear, and maybe it won’t. But no matter what, I will always need you. That will never change. I am may be changing, but your friendship needed in my life never will.

I need you to know, I think it’s hard too. Sometimes I feel like a burden to you and don’t want my anxiety to cause you to look at me differently. But when I can open up to you and tell you what’s going on, you need to know that means I trust you. That means I find freedom in my friendship with you. That means I really trust that you won’t judge me, and that’s big. It means you’re important to me and I am so incredibly thankful for you.

I need you to know that I want you to celebrate with me. As each day passes and I conquer this a little more I will call you in tears of joy to exclaim that anxiety isn’t conquering me anymore, and I am growing. I’ll cry, I’ll laugh, I’ll jump for joy and I will want you to do the same thing. Because anxiety is no different than conquering infertility, a lost job, diabetes, sickness, or depression. It’s just as real, just as debilitating, and just as evil. And to me, it’s big. So when I do conquer it, it’s just as big.

I need you to know that I’m more than just your friend with anxiety. I’m your friend.

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Filed Under: Anxiety Tagged With: Anxiety, Friendship

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ludavia Harvey says

    February 13, 2017 at 9:11 AM

    Ally, this is going to help so many people that have anxiety. You being so open with your story is going to help people be open with theirs. Anxiety is real. It is crippling. Things you’re unaware of trigger it. Sometimes it stops you in your tracks and you just cry. Sometimes you feel you can’t breathe. Sometimes you scream. Sometimes you clam up and put yourself in a corner and get silent. But, we will overcome. I found some of my triggers. And that’s what I say no to. The rest, I give to God. But, doesn’t mean, like you said, that it doesn’t happen again. Sometimes God puts you through a struggle, so you can help others going through the same thing. And/or discover a strength you didn’t know was there.

    Reply
    • Alessandra says

      February 19, 2017 at 6:16 PM

      Thank you so much for your sweet words!

      Reply
  2. Stephanie Spor Gilbert says

    February 13, 2017 at 10:07 PM

    Thank you, Ally, for these honest, raw words. I understand these feelings well. I’m so thankful there are people like you who will speak out about it so that I don’t feel so alone!

    Reply
    • Alessandra says

      February 19, 2017 at 6:15 PM

      Thank you friend! It’s always so good to know I am not alone!

      Reply
  3. The Organization Fix says

    February 15, 2017 at 9:48 AM

    As someone who struggled with anxiety a lot in 2015 I really like this article, especially the point about not being able to control attacks when they happen. I used to say “I know I’m being unreasonable but I can’t stop”. I’ll share this for you! Keep up the great posts 🙂

    -Christina

    Reply
    • Alessandra says

      February 19, 2017 at 6:15 PM

      Thank you so much. I can relate 100%!

      Reply
  4. Susannah says

    February 16, 2017 at 3:57 PM

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s all I have to say about this post. <3

    Reply
    • Alessandra says

      February 19, 2017 at 6:15 PM

      You’re encouragement is always the best! <3

      Reply

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You deserve to exist, with the same grace and love You deserve to exist, with the same grace and love that you so freely give to your family. It’s not just about holding space for them; it’s about holding space for you, too.

You don’t have to shrink yourself to make room for others.

You deserve to take up space too.
Sometimes, the habits that helped us survive becom Sometimes, the habits that helped us survive become the hardest to unlearn. Those patterns once kept you safe, but now you’re learning they don’t need to anymore. 

Give yourself grace—you’re unlearning survival. Healing takes time, and with each layer you peel back, you’re discovering the person you’ve always been beneath the survival.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ll really learn to love her. ❤️
✨ NEW SEASON ✨ I’m not a big fan of change. ✨ NEW SEASON ✨

I’m not a big fan of change. My nervous system gets all panicky and tends to over research every possibility that could take place. It likes to tell me safety is in the details. 

But I know that’s not true.

This year has been a big year of growth for me in this department. Trauma told me control was my safety, but the truth was all I ever had was a false sense of control. 

This year has offered plenty of opportunities for me to say, “Okay God, you have my yes, wherever that leads.”

No over research. No over analyzing. No predicting every possibility. No trying to control the outcome.

Just a heart that says, “Yes.” 

Even when I don’t understand. Even when I’m nervous how it will turn out. Even when it feels like right now isn’t bad. Even when my heart’s confused. 

Even when….

God has been asking us both a lot lately, “Do I have your yes, no matter what that looks like?” Friday was the end of a season for Chad working at the Appliance Guys, and today starts a new season of a new company. It was NOT an easy decision, and it came with a lot of tears (mainly from me - are you surprised?). His boss, where he’s been for the last almost six years, has been an incredible support for our family as we walked through some of the hardest seasons of our family. They will always hold a special place in our heart.

But God said “it’s time” and my faith-filled husband said “Yes.” I have to admit, I don’t envy how hard this decision was for him. It affects us both, yes. But he had to walk it out. And I’m so grateful for His leadership and faith to Jesus to step into the next season when there are so many unknowns.

Sometimes, all God wants to know is does He have our “YES” no matter what that means. No matter what that changes. 

May I live my life in a way that has an open heart to hear from God and a willingness to say “YES” even when….

(PS he was so thrilled I made him take this photo. 😂 But I know this season will be one we forever ever want to remember, because God always shows His faithfulness).
I wonder if they would have chosen life for her. I wonder if they would have chosen life for her.

I wonder if they would have seen what was growing inside of her, and the fight that was about to come on the other side, if they would have said her life was worth saving.

I wonder if they would have discounted her before she had a chance. 

I wonder if they would have made a prediction about her quality of life and deemed her not worth the cost.

I wonder if they would have saw the life saving measures she would need and decided that it was worse to let her live.

I wonder if they would have saw everything that could go wrong, the bleak prognosis, and compared her to statistics. 

I wonder if they would have made a choice to encourage a decision that robbed us all of the miracle we see today.

Whether 48 hours or 4 years - her life has changed mine for the better. It’s heartbreaking to think someone may have once told me she wasn’t worth it.

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