I usually go from 0 to a 100 in a matter of seconds when it
comes to worrying about anything. I have an unexplained symptom that obviously
means I have cancer. I have this weird freckle that just appeared should I be
concerned? My husband has this excruciating headache, am I going to lose him? I
make myself sick worrying. I worry about car accidents, life-threatening
illnesses, losing someone I love, paying the bills – anything and everything.

It breaks my heart because there was a time in my life where
I was known for my faith. In college I really experienced what life with God
was like. I really began to develop a relationship with Him and things in my
life began to change. If I needed seven thousand dollars, God was going to
provide. If I needed anything, God was going to take care of me. My friends and
roommates told me constantly that they admired my faith. An entire small group
told me that the one word they would define me by was my faith; it was so evident
in my life. I don’t really know what happened to that girl, and it breaks my
heart. My faith was unshakeable and now I feel much like the Disciples fearing
for their life in the middle of the storm. You know, the storm that Jesus was
in the boat with them all along yet they panicked for their lives? Yea, that
one.

I don’t really know where that girl went.

Last night I spent two hours at Urgent Care with my little
man. Jase has been running a fever off and on since Friday, since Tuesday his
fever has been pretty high. They did a chest x-ray to discover there is some
swelling in his lungs similar to Bronchitis in babies, so he has a really nasty
viral infection. He still cannot seem to break the fever. The Doctor wants him
back in tomorrow if the fever isn’t gone by morning. They said they may need to
“dig a little deeper” to see why this fever isn’t going down. I went from 0 to
100 fearing for the health of my son. What if I discover his body can’t fight
disease? What if he has a life threatening illness? What if he has cancer? Yes,
I went that far in no time. I don’t want to find out anything is wrong with my
little man. Watching him this sick, how pathetic he is breaks my heart. I am
exhausted and emotional and I keep playing the “what if” game.

Here is what I know in my head. I love this little boy more
than my heart can handle. Watching him is like watching my heart walk outside
of my body. The feelings I have for him are so strong I cannot put adequate
words together to describe my love for him. Yet, God still loves him more than
me. He loves that little boy and He loves me. He can take much better care of
this little peanut of mine than I ever could. When my eyes can’t always be on
him, God’s can. When I can’t be there to listen for every breath, God is
counting them. When I can’t be there to wipe his tears, God is catching them.
When I can’t be there to hold him, God has never put him down. And when I can
be there, God is holding me as I hold him. I know God loves this little boy and
I know I can trust Him to take care of him.Now I just need what I know in my head to make it to my
heart.

And I need to trust. I need to trust God in the now with the
future. I need to take it moment by moment, with what I know, and not waste
time worrying about a future I don’t even know. I spend so much time worrying
about things that may never come to pass. I need to trust God in the now and
let the future take care of itself.