In the beginning of my journey with postpartum anxiety I really struggled going to church. It was something about being there greeting, putting a smile on my face, and being around a lot of people that just the thought of made me anxious. The entire drive to church I would be reminding myself to take deep breaths. I would tell myself that I would be fine once we got there, I got going, and got distracted. I could do this. I could push through. I just had to get there and everything would be alright.

It was a very hard season for me. I hate the feeling of not being genuine with the people around me. So being there, putting on a cheerful face, when I felt like I was breaking inside was really hard. I still loved the Lord, but I just felt like I was going through such a darkness that I shouldn’t be able to minister to others. I felt like I needed to be in a better place before I could be back doing what I do every week. I felt stuck in a valley of darkness and that I didn’t have the right to be in ministry while in that place.

Then I heard a message at a Women’s Conference from a Pastor’s Wife herself about being in her own darkness. Where every day she had to get up and go to church, put a smile on her face, and minister to others when all she wanted to do was hide in bed under the covers. Tears started streaming down my face as I listened to her speak. This was me, This is where I was.

I felt so ashamed of feeling that way. I felt so wrong for being so fake.

Then she said something that was life changing to me. It’s in these moments that our flesh is weak. It’s in these moments that we feel like we just can’t go on. That is when we have to dig deep within ourselves to find that inner strength to keep going. We have to dig deep within and find the strength that only our spirit man possesses and push through.

You see, in our feelings is just where the enemy wants us to stay. He wants us to dwell in the valley. The enemy wants me to feel like I have no right to be in ministry when I am walking the road of anxiety. The enemy wants me to feel like I have to stay home until I have myself together and only then can I minister to others. The enemy wants me to be focused on me. He doesn’t want me to see God use me despite the hard times in my life. He doesn’t want me to experience what can happen when I take hold of that strength that only God can give.

Life isn’t always going to be lived on the mountain top, and when it isn’t it doesn’t mean we can’t be used by God. Even when we don’t feel like it, we have to dig deep within ourselves and find that strength. We have to dig it out of us and keep moving. Sometimes we might have to dig really deep. Sometimes we might have to push past a lot of doubt, a lot of fear, a lot of insecurity, a lot of anxiety, a lot of hurt, but we push and we push and we grab a hold of that strength and we take a step forward. We keeping taking those steps forward, even when it’s hard.

We are all going to hit a place in our life where we just don’t feel like it. But it is in these moments that we can’t allow our feelings to take control and we have to dig out of ourselves the strength to go on. I don’t know what mountain you’re facing today. I don’t know what it is that has you feeling weary of moving forward. Whatever it is, it is no match for our God. Dig deep within you for that strength to go on, even when you don’t feel like it. It’s these purposeful movements that will help you overcome whatever it is you’re facing.