Bringing a baby into a marriage is a huge change. You go from worrying about just the two of you, your schedules, your mood, what you want to do and don’t want to do to having to focus on a new little demanding bundle of joy. Before kids there’s a lot of time to be as spontaneous or not spontaneous as you want. But adding a baby in the mix you quickly realize that things change. Marriage after kids can be really different!

I know babies aren’t supposed to control your life or your marriage, but the reality is that they are very demanding of your time. Babies take a lot of work, and your schedule really does revolve around them especially for the first year. Babies are a huge blessing and every second of the extra work and days being wrapped around them are worth it, but sometimes it can leave you feeling a little drained in all areas of life, including your marriage.

After making it through the first year of parenthood with our first, and now two years down the road of parenthood and having added our second there are a few things I have learned to keeping your marriage strong after having a baby. We aren’t perfect by any means, and we have to continuously remind ourselves of the importance of all of these things numerous times, but we are committed to making our marriage a priority.

5 Tips to Keep Your Marriage Alive After Kids

1. Communication is HUGE! Especially the first few weeks after having a baby. There is a lot of change, a lot of hormones, a lot of unknown and not just on the women’s side. Communication is the best way to make it through all the little hurdles of unknown through parenthood. There is no such thing as over communicating. Talk about how you’re feeling, talk about what you need help with, talk about whatever you need to get off your chest. I know it can be hard to find time to talk, but it is so important to do so. Communication alone can make you feel so much closer. I love taking even just five minutes when my husband gets home from work to ask him about his day and get some time to just talk to him.

2. Share the load. Parenting is a tough gig. Not one person can do it on their own. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, “Wow, God really knew what He was doing when He designed parenthood for marriage. I could not do this alone!” When the baby is fussy take turns. When your toddler needs some time from you because the baby has been begging for your attention all day, give the baby to daddy. Tag teaming helps you get through the rough days and sometimes it helps you catch your breath. It takes two to make a baby and two to raise a baby! Some nights I even ask my husband to take both kids for even just 15 minutes so I can get a shower in. It helps me feel refreshed from the day, which helps make me be a better wife!

3. Discuss realistic expectations. A lot of times we get into arguments over things that aren’t even a big deal, but we tend to think it matters more than it does. Maybe you’re stressed because the sink is full of dishes and the baby has needed you all day and you think your husband is going to be upset with you for the dirty dishes, but in reality that doesn’t bother him. What does your husband need from you and what do you need from him during this stage of life? If you talk about the expectations you both have, and realistically think through where your time is needed, then you can allow grace in other places. What do you need from each other that will in turn help you to be a better spouse to the other?

4. Make time for intimacy, even if you have to schedule it. Let’s be real, making time for intimacy with a baby around is really difficult. I think since having the second kid it’s been twice as difficult. But it is important. So even if it means you make one night a week a no excuses night to spend with your spouse, then that’s what you do. Sure it’s not like the movies, but it shows just how much you value your spouse to set aside time just for them. It also helps you to look forward to a time to be with your spouse and not focus on the kids.

5. Keep Dating. This one is hard when you don’t have access to babysitters or when you’re exhausted at the end of the night. But when I haven’t gone on a date with Chad for awhile I can feel it. I feel stressed, I feel like I can’t enjoy him, I feel emotional and disconnected from him. Taking time away with each other is huge. I know budget is a big deal for some people, but I can argue that even once a month makes a huge difference. That’s really easy to add into the budget, even if it’s just coffee or an ice cream cone! Date your spouse, after all you do like them, don’t you?!