I’m in a war with contentment. I want more. I want newer. I want nicer. I want. I want. I want.
But in I want, I miss what I have.
I have a house, a roof over my head. I have food on my table. For the first time in over a year we can afford health insurance. For the first time, ever, I received an unexpected medical bill and I didn’t have to pay for it not knowing how we would have groceries next week. I can actually eat out with my husband here and there. We actually have internet now. For once I am not worried how we are even going to pay the bills, I have money to pay the bills and even money to save up for the new car we so desperately need.
But those are entirely material. My heart so longed to stay home with my son. The solution was home daycare, work from home watching kids to make up the income. It wasn’t ideal, but I could be home with my son. The closer I got to that, the more my heart ached for something else. I didn’t want to watch other kids and my son. I wanted to just be able to focus on him, my husband, my home, and here I am today with the opportunity to do just that. I am home with my son, I have a few hours that I work on my church responsibilities, but I am home. I am a stay at home, or a work at home mom. We have a home, the church offered parsonage that is a much better deal than anything we could have rented on our own in this city.
I am sitting here looking at this blessing of a house wishing it was nicer, wishing there was a second bathroom, or at least more room in the only bathroom. Wishing our closet was bigger, wishing the house wasn’t as old as it is. I am grateful for it and know we couldn’t have afforded living here otherwise, but I am saying, “Thanks God, but couldn’t you have made sure there was two bathrooms? Couldn’t you have made our closet bigger? Thanks God, but….”
Am I truly grateful?
I am at war with my flesh. My Spirit is so grateful. I love staying home with my son and couldn’t wish for any other “job.” In our long for a house of our own one day, I look at the prices and know I may have to give up just staying home with my kids to afford that. I don’t want that. Do I really want what nicer, newer, and more have to offer me?
If it means less time with the things that really matter, than I don’t think so.
I don’t always look at this house that way, I love that we have a home, don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice home, but not our dream home. Coming from a much newer house, it’s an adjustment. I love that we have a place to call home. But there are times where my flesh creeps up reminding me that I could have newer, nicer, and more. But newer, nicer, and more isn’t always what the world portrays it to be. There’s much more to life than the material things, it’s the things like the chance to stay home with your kids everyday that are really important.
Right now I have just what I need, not any more, and not any less.
So in a battle with contentment I choose not to let “I want” win, but to be grateful for what I have.
“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be conent with whatever I have.”
Philippians 4:11
“Yet true godliness with contentment in itself is great wealth.”
1 Timothy 6:6
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Such a timely post to read, I've noticed more of the needless wanting coming up in my life…its crazy cause I know that this life on earth is never really going to satisfy us; the stuff of this life just leaves us wanting more stuff, and not being content….something to continue praying and reflecting on, thanks for the reminder!
Yes yes yes yes! I am in love with this! Thanks for the encouragement!
Wow, I needed to read this post. I have been going through the same thing! We also moved from a much newer home to a older home and it only has one bathroom. It is the only way I can stay home with my babies too. I, too, am determined to not the "wants" win. Love this.
That verse has been my motto lately: but if we have food and clothing, we are content with that. So hard sometimes! I feel you so much!
Thank you for the follow!! This post spoke to me on so many levels. God has blessed my family with so much…even in our sin. He constantly shows favor in spite of obstacles that man or Satan created. Like you, my spirit is so grateful/thankful, but sometimes my mind wanders towards, "if I had this job, that car, if we had the money for such and such". It is so easy to get caught up in the world and what the world thinks you should have. I have all that I need. In fact, I have NOTHING less than a year ago. I'm learning that it is ok to want certain things, but I don't want to dwell on or stress about it. Our bills are paid and our needs are met. God is STILL (lol) working on me with being content in whatever season he has placed me in. Thank you for this!