Sometimes motherhood is really rough. Some
days you just feel like are never going to end. Some days I find myself
watching the clock counting down the hours to baby boy’s last feeding just
because I know I will have a good break before I have to feed him again, even
though all I am doing during that break is sleeping. Hey, sleeping is great
when you’re a mom. Jase is a serious spitter-upper, so most days I am covered
in baby spit up from head to toe, literally. It’s a miracle when he doesn’t get
it in my hair. I have this dream that once we move into the parsonage I am
going to have time to make breakfast for my husband before he goes off to work,
and I’ll make lunch for him to come home to, and I’ll be able to spend lots of
time sewing and decorating my house. But today I am living with my in-laws and
I can barely squeeze in thirty minutes between a feeding to get any work done
for church, or make any appointments, or pay any bills. Thank goodness I do not
have to worry about cooking and cleaning and everything else under the sun
right now. Yesterday I was planning to get a lot done, I needed to do some work
for the church, pay some bills, find a pediatrician, and settle some insurance
things. Jase had other plans, he needed to be held all day, he wouldn’t fall
asleep on his own for anything, and we had another diaper explosion (you know
the ones that shoot up the back and all). I was more than happy when his
Grandpa came home to let him take him and walk around the house with him so I
could have a break. It was a long day in motherhood.

But today my heart is full. My heart is full knowing I don’t
have to feel guilty when days are hard, because I am not the only one. I don’t
have to feel bad for counting down the number of feedings I have left in a day
or getting upset because I just took a shower and I am covered in spit up yet
again. Being a mom is wonderful, but it’s also tough and it’s okay to
acknowledge that. My heart is full because I am in love. Every time I look at
my sweet baby boy my heart melts. Every time he smiles at me my body feels
weak. Even though I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet or taken a shower, my
baby boy still loves me.

You, know one of the things that frustrates me the most that
Jase does is also one of my favorite things. Occasionally during his feedings
he will just stop eating and look up at me and start cooing and smiling and making
all those cute little noises babies do. When he first started doing this it
would drive me crazy because I just wanted him to hurry up and eat so I could
be done feeding him. This didn’t mean he was finished by any means, one time I
thought it did and he wasn’t too happy about that. He just wants to stop and
talk. He looks up at me and coos and smiles until he finishes whatever it is he
is saying and decides to eat again. In my desire to finish fast it frustrates
me. But in my love for my son, my eyes well up with tears. I imagine him
sitting there telling me how happy he is to have a full belly. I imagine him
telling me I’m doing a good job. I imagine him telling me he loves his mom. I
come to appreciate the times he does that because soon he won’t. It’s moments
like these that fill my heart to overflowing.

So today I remember that I am not alone. It’s okay to have tough
days. It’s okay to have days that I can’t wait for his dad to get home so I can
have a break. It’s okay that my daily perfume is sour milk. It’s okay that I
won’t have the perfect Pinterest home, lunch is frozen chicken nuggets and
macaroni, and dinner is from a drive thru. It’s okay because my son is happy
and he loves me. It’s okay because time with my husband means more. It’s okay
because that’s not what a perfect mother is, a perfect mother is the one who
lets everything else take the back seat and her family takes the front seat.