Naturally, I am a very spontaneous person. I love the
feeling of spontaneous trips and just doing whatever feels like it would be fun
and adventurous at that point in time. Yet, at the same time I like to know
that there is a ‘bigger plan” when it comes to bigger things in life. When it
comes to where I am going to live in a year, what job I am going to be working,
what my husband will be doing, and things on that scale I seem to always try to
plan or think through the possibilities. Just recently, I finally put the
pieces together on why someone who prefers the spontaneity of everyday life can’t
handle when the plan she has in her mind for the bigger things gets altered in
any way.

My entire life as a child was pretty unstable. I moved
around like nobody’s business. I never knew what state of mind my parents were
going to be in that night after work. I never knew if there was going to be
groceries in the house, or if there was going to be anyone in the house at all.
Many nights were either spent alone, or hanging out with my drunk parents and
their drunk friends. There was no security for my future, in fact in my little
mind it was hard to see having anything different than the life my parents had,
after all wasn’t I destined to follow in their footsteps? Pregnant as a
teenager, unmarried, drunk, drugged, partying – all that was what shaped my parents lives & made my life unstable
and insecure. There is where you find me, someone who loves spontaneity only
when she knows there is security at the same time. Bills will be paid, I will
have a job, I will have a place to live, I will have food to eat – I will have
everything that I need.

So, I had a plan. I had a plan that my husband and I would
apply for Children’s Pastor Positions this year. We would move when our lease
ended in May and help grow the Children’s Ministry that God lead us to. When we
were established and settled down there we would have kids. Well, God had a
different plan, and we’re expecting our first little one now, and have
absolutely no idea if we will be moving when our lease ends or what our next
step is going to be. Babies make moving a lot harder. Well then I had another
plan. I had a plan that tax returns would provide for maternity leave when the
baby comes, and then I would substitute teach on the side to save money for all
the bigger baby purchases. Well, I ended up owing the government $978 this year.
Again, my plan failed. I was shocked and immediately overcome with worry. How
in the world are we supposed to provide for this baby? What in the world are we
supposed to do when our lease ends this year? I know God always gives answers,
I know God always gives direction, and I
was so sure that this was the way He was going to do it. I was so sure that
this plan I had in my head was the way that He was going to work everything
out.

But it’s not. My plans aren’t God’s plans. I can’t figure it
all out; I never will be able to. He promised that He will always be that sense
of security for me, but He never said He was going to do it the way that I
thought. Yes, He has placed it on our hearts to prepare to move, but it’s going
to happen His way, in His timing. Yes, He has called us to be parents right
now, and He is going to provide for it every step of the way, His way, in His
timing. My plans will never be God’s
plans, because if they were my plans, they couldn’t be His. Sometimes this
makes being a Christian one of the hardest things in life, but oh what an
adventure it can be.

God has reminded me little by little this week that He still
has a plan, and He is still in control. I had a break down day this past
Thursday when I realized, yet again, that my plan was not His plan. God took
the time Friday, Saturday, & Sunday to show me that He hadn’t forgotten me.
We were blessed by friends with two things that we needed for the baby – a dresser/changing
table & a baby swing. I was moved to tears at the end of each day thinking
about the overwhelming, unexpected blessing we had received. I could just feel
God speaking to me, I am still in
control, and I still have a plan. If I take this much care into the little
details that overwhelm you, don’t you think I will care even more about the big
things? I may not ever do things the way you expect them, but I never let you
down.

So at the beginning of a new week, I will choose to dwell on
the fact that God has a plan. It may be a year full of the unexpected, but
nothing of it is a surprise to God. That mountain that I can’t see over right
now, God is going to help me climb.

Whatever mountain that you can’t see over, God promises He
will help you climb too. Your plans aren’t His plans, but His are always better.