Anxiety is crippling. Anxiety is something that effects you emotionally, physically, and mentally. It overtakes you before you even realize that it has struck and it doesn’t back off easily. Anxiety is the monster in the room.
Postpartum anxiety is the nightmare I never wanted to have. I have never experienced something that could be so crippling to who you are like anxiety is. It is so easy to feel like you have completely lost who you are when anxiety has taken over. I have probably told my husband a handful of times that I have no idea who I am anymore. Someone who thrives off of community, staying busy, and spending time with friends began having panic attacks at the thought of leaving her home. This is when I knew something was wrong. This is when I knew that I couldn’t keep pressing through in hopes that it would just go away.
Postpartum Anxiety is one of those things that people wish they could just sweep under the rug and pretend they aren’t struggling. It’s as if it is this dirty little secret that you want no one to know, so you hide it deep down. Truthfully, thinking about it doesn’t help. Thinking about anxiety just breeds more anxiety. So there it is, this deep entanglement of such a crippling thing.
I never wanted to walk this road. I never wanted to feel like I had forgotten who I was. I didn’t want who I was to be clouded by someone I wasn’t. I never would have chosen this, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I am still walking this road and I am not exactly sure how long it will last. I have good days, good weeks, a good month, and then I can have bad days or bad weeks. It is up and down and I know that’s normal.
I have wanted to write about this journey, but it was too fresh and raw at first. I couldn’t handle typing the words out without feeling overwhelmed with anxiousness. But I am getting there, and this space is my safe place. This space is where I go to pour out my heart in hopes that you sitting behind your computer, wherever you are, might say “me too.” I want it to be a safe place for you too. Where you can come and know you are not alone. Although this is not a journey I would have wanted to take, I won’t let it go to waste. I will write, and I will share, and I will encourage through this season all for the person, even if all it is is one person, who says “me too.”