The day is lingering just around the corner and you aren’t entirely sure how you feel about it. On one hand, you have a father, but on the other, you really don’t. Not the kind of father you should have had. So this day brings more questions than celebration in your heart, and I get that, it’s not easy.
You stand in the card aisle picking up card after card about daddy’s wrapped around their little girl’s fingers and knowing they were always treasured and safe, but you didn’t feel that way. That wasn’t your dad. So you put card after card back on the shelf and your heart begins to break a little. You pick up some light-hearted funny card about having a good day and think that’s the best you can do. And it hurts a little.
That wasn’t your dad.
Your dad was there, but he wasn’t there. Your dad didn’t make you feel safe, instead he made you feel scared. Your dad wasn’t there to tuck you in every night and make sure the bad guys stayed away, you were alone. You wanted to have him wrapped around your little finger, but he didn’t have time for that.
I know Father’s Day is hard for you, I get it, I really do.
A dad is a pretty big deal. A dad is supposed to be there, fight off the bad guys, twirl you on the dance floor, and tell you you’re beautiful. A dad is supposed to remind you that you’re worth loving and worth fighting for. Without a dad, that’s missing. I get it.
I know the picture of what a Daddy is can be a bit tainted in your mind because the one you had didn’t fill that role very well. I know what it’s like to ache for that empty spot to be filled and wonder what it would have been like if it were.
I watch him, her daddy, as he dances around the house with her. I watch him as his eyes sparkle when she looks at him. I watch him respond to her and know that she has him wrapped around her little finger. I watch him love her and I know that she has a place in his world. My heart jumps for joy knowing that she will know a Father’s love, but sometimes my heart aches a little because I’ll never know what that is like.
I watch him love her and I think, that’s how my Heavenly Father loves me.
It’s hard to see my Heavenly Father as a good father when mine wasn’t there. It’s hard to know the love of the Heavenly Father when the love of my earthly father was so distant. But I am watching him, I am watching my husband love our daughter, and my eyes are opened to the love of the Father.
The way His eyes sparkle when He sees me.
The way He responds to me when I reach out to Him.
The way He protects me when I’m scared.
The way He loves me even when I am unlovable.
Even in my tainted views, my questions, my hearts longings, I can see that He loves me and He knows why it’s hard for me. He understands why I question, He understands why I struggle letting go, He understands why this can be so hard.
And despite it all, He loves me.
And He loves you too.