I wake up in the morning before the kids get up. I sit on the couch, enjoy a cup of iced coffee because that’s how I like my coffee, over ice. I am realizing my desperation for that heaven sent drink, but over ice is the only way I can do it. I open my Bible, turn on the music, and start my day off where every day should, in God’s presence. I finish just in time to start breakfast as the kids should be waking any minute. As I get breakfast going, the toddler peeks his head out the door and tells me the sun is up and the light on his clock is green, so it’s time to get up. He gets his underwear on, throws his diaper away, and happily joins me on the couch. Then I hear the coos from the baby’s room who is ready to join us for the day. Perfect timing, of course, as breakfast is just being set on the table. I get the kids fed and then ready for the day. It seems like the perfect day to run a few errands, so after I get the kids dressed and ready, I get ready and pack the bags to head out the door. It’s been a perfect morning and I feel on top of the world because I have it all together.
Does this sound like your house at all? Because in case I fooled you, my house is NOTHING like this.
Usually my mornings start when I hear the kid’s over the monitor or my son comes in my room with his clock in hand shouting that it has turned green. I roll out of bed, get breakfast ready as the kids are running in circles around my island, and try to down as much coffee as I can without getting dizzy from the circles my kids are running around me. I get the kids ready and attempt to make myself look like a human all while sucking down that iced coffee like my life depends on it. Then I head out the door with my head held high, and if you ask me how I am doing, I am going to say fine because girl, I’ve got this.I. Have. Got. This. Even if it’s a little crazy, even if it’s a little chaotic, I have got it under control.
I want so desperately to be that mom. To be the one who has it all together. This was my dream, you know? To be a stay at home mom. To take care of my home and my kids while my husband works hard to care for us. To always have dinner on the table when he got home, for the laundry to be folded and put in its proper place, for the bathrooms and kitchen to be spotless. And most of all, to have it all together myself. To never be emotionally exhausted, to never feel like I was drowning, to never feel doubt that I couldn’t do this.
I am not her though…but sometimes I still think I am.
I can handle it. The kids, the house, working at home, running all the errands, keeping my kids happy. I’ve got it under control. You need me to take on something else? No problem. Just give me the date and time, of course I’ll be there. I am totally fine handling it all. I have got this.
But here I am, buried under all of that stuff on my plate and I am drowning. Here I am, right where I always dreamed to be, drowning in it all.
And mama, I imagine you’re drowning too.
I see you. You’re sitting on your couch as the kids are running around crazy and you see this post and you want to know how to have it all together like me. Maybe you just tucked the kids into bed and you’re finally stealing a moment of silence trying to figure out why you’re so exhausted. Or maybe you are sitting there using the TV to keep your kids still for just five minutes so you can ask yourself, why did you ever want to be a mom again? What made you ever think you could handle this? This dream of yours wasn’t supposed to leave you feeling like you couldn’t get your head above the water.
Mama, you can’t do it. You can’t do it all. You can’t be it all. You can’t be everything for everyone.
And mama, you were never meant to be.
No one ever expected you to have it all together. No one expected that you would do this motherhood thing perfectly. No one expected you to carry it all on your own. But somewhere down the line, you decided that the only way to do it, was to do it alone. Like, if you couldn’t handle it, then you were failing. But mama, there is no failure in admitting that you weren’t built to carry all of this alone. You weren’t meant to have it all together. You weren’t expected to be perfect. No matter how hard you try, you are going to drown trying to do it on your own.
So, take a deep breath mama. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Do it one more time. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Now let go of that desperation of perfection. Just put it down, and don’t pick it back up. You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to be it all. You just have to be you. The mess, the imperfection, the good, and the bad, all of you…just be you. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Don’t seek perfection. Don’t pick up more than you can handle.
And take a step further with me…let go of it all, and give it to your Heavenly Father. He wants to carry this for you. His arms are big enough to handle it…all of it. We are a hot mess, but God is in the business of making beautiful things out of messes. He never asked for you to handle it on your own. Give Him those things that are too heavy for you to carry mama, and watch what He does with it.
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Keep your eyes on the One who really does have it all together.